http://bbrfoundation.org/userFiles/facts.bpdchildren.pdf
So, I'm pretty sure I have had Bipolar Disorder my entire life., or at least early onset. I was always wondering why I was so depressed during childhood, isn't that weird? Or that I started gaining weight when I was about six and started craving high carb foods and sugars. I would go through spurts of excitement and change everything about my personality- suddenly I was a tom boy, Suddenly I was girly, Suddenly I wanted all the cosmetics and I would go on shopping sprees. Mom would say I was good with money but thats a lie...
I'd buy oreo packages and eat the whole thing. I would fantasize about suicide when I was eight, and think about sex a lot, i've been hypersexual for as long as I can remember but i've never been sexually abused. I would get angry and rage on animals, or shut off emotionally and kill moms fish without thinking about it until after when I would be overwhelmed with guilt. I was so certain there was something wrong, but everyone kept reassuring me that I was a normal child. :/
It explains my early interest in poetry and art, and weird films that were beyond my normal abilities. I watched HBO instead of teletoon and couldn't sleep most often, I'd be awake for weeks at a time. My temper tantrums sometimes got so crazy I would scream and scream and scream and blow a blood vessel in my eyeball. :/ I was over sensitive to everything around me, i didn't understand how to socialize and often I would get upset while at a friends house and walk home without telling anyone where I was going.
What makes me angry is that no one noticed. Or if they did they stuck their heads in the sand and pretended like it was nothing while I was raging, depressed and hyper active all for different reasons and sometimes all at the same time. I really wanted help but I felt isolated. And the more that people told me I was normal while the other kids at school thought I was whacked, the more confused I was. I would draw and create complete fantasies in my head about imaginary love affairs and sexual antics with my barbies, and I'd never really been abused nor had any real experience with sex. :/
then again, if anyone was actually aware of the disorder and chemical reactions going on in my brain waves would they be able to help? Would I have been medicated like the kids with ADHD and would I have had health issues because of the meds? Or would they have adjusted my diet and started paying attention to triggers and teaching me how to work with it?
I guess thats the important thing... I now realize I have never been normal. I have always been like this. :/
Monday, 6 January 2014
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Change- A dream I had last night...
There are people every where, and never a moment alone. I am always with someone, whether or not I wish to be, and that person is always too interested in what may happen in my future. They're all Indian; there is one woman with gifts like mine- much more mature and able to see clearly- and a few men and children. The woman has laid it all out in her mind and she knows what is ahead of me. <<Jim>> and I just want to sneak away and smoke; there are accidents where the weed is lit in an all too public place, and sometimes accidentally while I am in the house being directed to write down my dreams into a journal I am borrowing from the woman.
The dreams that I could not remember this week are now clearer in my mind. There is a house with young men- 16-20, who enjoy playing magic cards and watching movies. The way to their house is green, with tall trees whose branches hang low into the street of shiny, colourful and new cars. I don't remember the importance of going to the house, but I remember feeling I was hiding something, either with the boys or from them.
Different people want to help me. I am in a position where I know I need all the help I can get. However, it doesn't seem like anything anyone says to me is really that useful. The Indians have a similar behaviour to those in my apartment complex- the ones that tried to cut a raw frozen turkey in half on the floor with a rusted saw. I feel cynical. The medicine woman still speaks to me- what she says makes sense.
Outside, there is a dirty mattress and two men that keep coming back. One looks like the hitch hikers on the road to BC in a yellow raincoat. The other is dressed in black and green- he wears goggles that cover his face. Both men continuously come back; one of the Indians brought back a yellow tent that he had found in the woods and had not thought it belonged to anyone. Both men were under the belief that it was theirs and they wanted it back; it was all they had. Aggravated and annoyed by their repetitive appearances, I finally got up and told them to fuck off. "The tent has a giant hole in it anyways, it's completely useless, so just forget about it." I tell them honestly. They leave, sort of, part of them always stays there.
Our socks keep going missing in the living room that is also part of the front yard- carpet fades into yellowing grass. <<Jim>> and I end up smoking in a spiral staircase lined with cement. At the top of the stairs, comes down my brothers sisters, they are smiling and laughing, concerned and yet carefree. <<Jim>> lights up, and the smoke dissipates into the air, for a moment I am frightful that they will know what we are doing, but they never catch on, nor do they seem to care. They stop for a moment to say hello, and there is brief discussion of socks and the like that seem to be missing these days.
The Indian woman takes me away for a moment to tell me what will happen. The grass and trees around us are a much deeper green then they were before and I feel I can trust her. She asks me about the dream journal and I tell her I have written the dreams down. She tells me to also write this one down, it will be important. Finally she says "You are confused, you are holding on to the way of life you have right now because you feel comfortable. This is a lie. This life no longer suits you, and in that way you will not be happy." She points to <<Jim>> and laughs "I don't care if you need to break up with him, you can get back together later, but something needs to change. You need to shake things up, and kick up the dust that has been settling in around you in comfort."She turns and flips her raven hair before looking back at me- her eyes are so dark.
"He spoke to me. Steven says he can't see you, he can't hear you. He can see everyone else but you."
This makes sense to me, somewhat, because I cannot see or hear him either and I should be able to. That is one of my gifts, isn't it? To see the dead, to hear them, to know them- why can neither of us connect now? Were my gifts a lie, or am I simply too blocked to feel anything from the other side?
She says before waking me, "You need to kick the dust up. Change needs to happen." And I am reminded firmly to write this dream down once I wake. And so I do...
The dreams that I could not remember this week are now clearer in my mind. There is a house with young men- 16-20, who enjoy playing magic cards and watching movies. The way to their house is green, with tall trees whose branches hang low into the street of shiny, colourful and new cars. I don't remember the importance of going to the house, but I remember feeling I was hiding something, either with the boys or from them.
Different people want to help me. I am in a position where I know I need all the help I can get. However, it doesn't seem like anything anyone says to me is really that useful. The Indians have a similar behaviour to those in my apartment complex- the ones that tried to cut a raw frozen turkey in half on the floor with a rusted saw. I feel cynical. The medicine woman still speaks to me- what she says makes sense.
Outside, there is a dirty mattress and two men that keep coming back. One looks like the hitch hikers on the road to BC in a yellow raincoat. The other is dressed in black and green- he wears goggles that cover his face. Both men continuously come back; one of the Indians brought back a yellow tent that he had found in the woods and had not thought it belonged to anyone. Both men were under the belief that it was theirs and they wanted it back; it was all they had. Aggravated and annoyed by their repetitive appearances, I finally got up and told them to fuck off. "The tent has a giant hole in it anyways, it's completely useless, so just forget about it." I tell them honestly. They leave, sort of, part of them always stays there.
Our socks keep going missing in the living room that is also part of the front yard- carpet fades into yellowing grass. <<Jim>> and I end up smoking in a spiral staircase lined with cement. At the top of the stairs, comes down my brothers sisters, they are smiling and laughing, concerned and yet carefree. <<Jim>> lights up, and the smoke dissipates into the air, for a moment I am frightful that they will know what we are doing, but they never catch on, nor do they seem to care. They stop for a moment to say hello, and there is brief discussion of socks and the like that seem to be missing these days.
The Indian woman takes me away for a moment to tell me what will happen. The grass and trees around us are a much deeper green then they were before and I feel I can trust her. She asks me about the dream journal and I tell her I have written the dreams down. She tells me to also write this one down, it will be important. Finally she says "You are confused, you are holding on to the way of life you have right now because you feel comfortable. This is a lie. This life no longer suits you, and in that way you will not be happy." She points to <<Jim>> and laughs "I don't care if you need to break up with him, you can get back together later, but something needs to change. You need to shake things up, and kick up the dust that has been settling in around you in comfort."She turns and flips her raven hair before looking back at me- her eyes are so dark.
"He spoke to me. Steven says he can't see you, he can't hear you. He can see everyone else but you."
This makes sense to me, somewhat, because I cannot see or hear him either and I should be able to. That is one of my gifts, isn't it? To see the dead, to hear them, to know them- why can neither of us connect now? Were my gifts a lie, or am I simply too blocked to feel anything from the other side?
She says before waking me, "You need to kick the dust up. Change needs to happen." And I am reminded firmly to write this dream down once I wake. And so I do...
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Control...
Okay, so blogger changed a bit? :(
Hm, alright so I'll probably delete this later...
I'm just going to go on a banter about some control issues I'm having and figure out why it's bothering me or what I need to do to well... control my own situation within myself, if that makes sense.
I get frustrated in bed whenever I don't feel like I don't have enough control. I mean in the long run when it comes to bedroom fun, I do have control. I mean I can say when (usually any time, because it's not often that I'm not in the mood or can't be convinced, or after hours of being groped and/ore pawed at not eventually get in the mood) and I will often ask for things, like oh do me from behind or maybe some directions on how I like to be played with. Also as far as I know, when it comes to things like bdsm, the one who is submissive can be considered to have the control because at any point they can yell out the special word and make anything stop or can egg the other person on by being a brat... And I do realize that I will start things, and do get time on top (though it's often interrupted with a switch of position or a cock flying out in the wrong direction... which sucks. :/ I being, that just feels suck for everyone)
But, as a switch, I like to be the one on the other side sometimes. You know, the one who gets to make orders, or do all the touching while their partner lays there helplessly being pleased. I like having the whip, figuratively and not. Nothing turns me on more than when I get to dictate just what happens next, within the rules and within respect of the other person of course. But what has always made any threesome for me so awesome, is that in most cases no one really knows what to do, so I get to pull on my man pants and start the show- sometimes even giving directions to the others. Of course, because I'm a sadomasochist I do like to cause a little pain (I like that flash of that bit of fright you just naturally get, even from the smallest pain, or surprise I guess, I mean I don't want them to be scared of me or anything, if anything i want them to trust me enough to know that I wouldn't truly hurt them and that if they asked me to stop I would stop). I love it when they're exhausted by the end of the night, and feel good because I've loved them so furiously, not because I've made them do things to me all night (not that i wouldn't... sometimes I like to be worshiped but that's kinda why I like submission, they want me enough to control me).
I guess that's a reason I like being with other women, usually I end up being the somewhat more aggressive one. I like the feeling i get watching them squirm underneath me when I'm on the drivers side. But that's not always an option...
I guess when It comes down to it, I feel like I get to express my passion (that fiery shit I'm full of) better when I'm in control, because so often I have to tone it down for the rest of the aspects of my life. I get to experiment with things I might otherwise be a bit anxious about trying- again that person still has the option to say no if it makes them super uncomfortable. But I also like the idea of possession, because I know in reality I do not possess anyone and they do not possess me- especially when I'm in an open/polyamarous relationship which leaves much room for other people to take over and less room to feel like "the only girl in the world"- which is a common want in a relationship, while unrealistic, it's still a nice feeling. It's also a chance for me to show them just how much I want them - sex for me isn't just physical, it's interaction between the intellectual and the spiritual (I won't enjoy myself if I'm not attracted to your personality or spirit). On the other hand it's a chance, like Alie says, for me to be my most higher self- which is not submissive, and not always gentle, nor is she quiet. My higher self is loud, fiery, passionate, confident... and my darker self is a huge part of me, and she is possessive, controlling, destructive and dominating.
I guess I feel like I don't have a whole lot of other outlets to express these parts of myself. I've spent a long time trying to balance myself within these things (the whole eid thing and bpd), and recognize that I can't do without them. But aside from art, I don't really have a place to express those darker and more intimidating parts of myself. It use to come out negatively, but I can't rip my hair out and make myself bleed whenever I want to feel red. (Maybe that's why I'm a fan of people who either like my scars or don't mind them- they're looking at my intense, darker self...)
So I guess that's it, that's what bothers me. I need an outlet for those parts of myself and that bedroom place is the only place other than through paintings that I feel I can express it. I mean, working out is one thing, but actually trusting someone enough to want them to see what I am or feel I am on the most internal basis is... well, kind of an important thing.
Trust is huge thing too- I want and like to feel trusted the same way I trust them. maybe I sometimes go too far, but it's never my intention and I will do what needs to be done in order to correct the situation. But if I feel trusted by other people I also feel more like I can trust myself- and that is a huge issue with me. I do have major trust issues... and I am working on that, but I do need to feel trusted by other people, like anyone else.
So.. simplified, some things that tie into the issue and things I should think about working on in other areas of my life:
1. A positive outlet for my more intense/darker/higher self that allows for expression.
2. coping with things that are outside of my control- school, debt, work, drama, smoking (ergh)
3. Coping with the wobbly insecure feeling of polyamary (recognizing my fear of losing people)
4. feelings of being wanted/needed
5. Having those moments of worship- being appreciated and appreciating.
6. Feelings of mistrust- being mistrusted and mistrusting others
Okay, I feel a bit better now That I've worked that out. :) I'll mull over it and look for options that might help with these so that I'm not maybe making others uncomfortable... hm. In the past I know I've had problems with this very thing, just didn't understand it very well. So hopefully this will help....
Hm, alright so I'll probably delete this later...
I'm just going to go on a banter about some control issues I'm having and figure out why it's bothering me or what I need to do to well... control my own situation within myself, if that makes sense.
I get frustrated in bed whenever I don't feel like I don't have enough control. I mean in the long run when it comes to bedroom fun, I do have control. I mean I can say when (usually any time, because it's not often that I'm not in the mood or can't be convinced, or after hours of being groped and/ore pawed at not eventually get in the mood) and I will often ask for things, like oh do me from behind or maybe some directions on how I like to be played with. Also as far as I know, when it comes to things like bdsm, the one who is submissive can be considered to have the control because at any point they can yell out the special word and make anything stop or can egg the other person on by being a brat... And I do realize that I will start things, and do get time on top (though it's often interrupted with a switch of position or a cock flying out in the wrong direction... which sucks. :/ I being, that just feels suck for everyone)
But, as a switch, I like to be the one on the other side sometimes. You know, the one who gets to make orders, or do all the touching while their partner lays there helplessly being pleased. I like having the whip, figuratively and not. Nothing turns me on more than when I get to dictate just what happens next, within the rules and within respect of the other person of course. But what has always made any threesome for me so awesome, is that in most cases no one really knows what to do, so I get to pull on my man pants and start the show- sometimes even giving directions to the others. Of course, because I'm a sadomasochist I do like to cause a little pain (I like that flash of that bit of fright you just naturally get, even from the smallest pain, or surprise I guess, I mean I don't want them to be scared of me or anything, if anything i want them to trust me enough to know that I wouldn't truly hurt them and that if they asked me to stop I would stop). I love it when they're exhausted by the end of the night, and feel good because I've loved them so furiously, not because I've made them do things to me all night (not that i wouldn't... sometimes I like to be worshiped but that's kinda why I like submission, they want me enough to control me).
I guess that's a reason I like being with other women, usually I end up being the somewhat more aggressive one. I like the feeling i get watching them squirm underneath me when I'm on the drivers side. But that's not always an option...
I guess when It comes down to it, I feel like I get to express my passion (that fiery shit I'm full of) better when I'm in control, because so often I have to tone it down for the rest of the aspects of my life. I get to experiment with things I might otherwise be a bit anxious about trying- again that person still has the option to say no if it makes them super uncomfortable. But I also like the idea of possession, because I know in reality I do not possess anyone and they do not possess me- especially when I'm in an open/polyamarous relationship which leaves much room for other people to take over and less room to feel like "the only girl in the world"- which is a common want in a relationship, while unrealistic, it's still a nice feeling. It's also a chance for me to show them just how much I want them - sex for me isn't just physical, it's interaction between the intellectual and the spiritual (I won't enjoy myself if I'm not attracted to your personality or spirit). On the other hand it's a chance, like Alie says, for me to be my most higher self- which is not submissive, and not always gentle, nor is she quiet. My higher self is loud, fiery, passionate, confident... and my darker self is a huge part of me, and she is possessive, controlling, destructive and dominating.
I guess I feel like I don't have a whole lot of other outlets to express these parts of myself. I've spent a long time trying to balance myself within these things (the whole eid thing and bpd), and recognize that I can't do without them. But aside from art, I don't really have a place to express those darker and more intimidating parts of myself. It use to come out negatively, but I can't rip my hair out and make myself bleed whenever I want to feel red. (Maybe that's why I'm a fan of people who either like my scars or don't mind them- they're looking at my intense, darker self...)
So I guess that's it, that's what bothers me. I need an outlet for those parts of myself and that bedroom place is the only place other than through paintings that I feel I can express it. I mean, working out is one thing, but actually trusting someone enough to want them to see what I am or feel I am on the most internal basis is... well, kind of an important thing.
Trust is huge thing too- I want and like to feel trusted the same way I trust them. maybe I sometimes go too far, but it's never my intention and I will do what needs to be done in order to correct the situation. But if I feel trusted by other people I also feel more like I can trust myself- and that is a huge issue with me. I do have major trust issues... and I am working on that, but I do need to feel trusted by other people, like anyone else.
So.. simplified, some things that tie into the issue and things I should think about working on in other areas of my life:
1. A positive outlet for my more intense/darker/higher self that allows for expression.
2. coping with things that are outside of my control- school, debt, work, drama, smoking (ergh)
3. Coping with the wobbly insecure feeling of polyamary (recognizing my fear of losing people)
4. feelings of being wanted/needed
5. Having those moments of worship- being appreciated and appreciating.
6. Feelings of mistrust- being mistrusted and mistrusting others
Okay, I feel a bit better now That I've worked that out. :) I'll mull over it and look for options that might help with these so that I'm not maybe making others uncomfortable... hm. In the past I know I've had problems with this very thing, just didn't understand it very well. So hopefully this will help....
Friday, 6 April 2012
Tremors
Haven't had them in a while. :/
Random related story:
I'm terrified of heights. When I was 12 I went on a school trip to some crazy assed camp where they had the ropes... The ropes were fifty feet high, I do believe. They strapped us up in harnesses and we climbed up a ladder to the main pole, where some dude hooked us up to a wire so we could then throw ourselves into a perilous quest to... run around on ropes and floating logs. I made it to the pole, and then, Saw Conor who was also terrified. He said to me "There's no way I can do this. That Could break and I could die." My eyes widened. I hugged the pole tightly and had leg tremor fit for a half hour before they finally convinced me I wouldn't face certain death when I went down the fly line, I think that's what Its called... anyway it was awesome, I shot down like a crazy mo fo, and screamed "MOTHERFUCKING JESUS COCK!!!" (I was later informed that this language was not acceptable), and tremored all the way back to the cabin, and cried a little, uncontrollably.
Tremors sucked, but its funny. Poor fat Kids (Conor and I) stuck at the fifty foot high pole, crying. lol
Random related story:
I'm terrified of heights. When I was 12 I went on a school trip to some crazy assed camp where they had the ropes... The ropes were fifty feet high, I do believe. They strapped us up in harnesses and we climbed up a ladder to the main pole, where some dude hooked us up to a wire so we could then throw ourselves into a perilous quest to... run around on ropes and floating logs. I made it to the pole, and then, Saw Conor who was also terrified. He said to me "There's no way I can do this. That Could break and I could die." My eyes widened. I hugged the pole tightly and had leg tremor fit for a half hour before they finally convinced me I wouldn't face certain death when I went down the fly line, I think that's what Its called... anyway it was awesome, I shot down like a crazy mo fo, and screamed "MOTHERFUCKING JESUS COCK!!!" (I was later informed that this language was not acceptable), and tremored all the way back to the cabin, and cried a little, uncontrollably.
Tremors sucked, but its funny. Poor fat Kids (Conor and I) stuck at the fifty foot high pole, crying. lol
Sunday, 1 April 2012
The Clingy Girlfriend
The clingy girlfriend is an interesting phenomena in human relationships that seems to occur quite often and will be experienced at least once in a persons life. The clingy girlfriend has several attributes including, but not exclusive to:
1. needing/wanting way more of your time than you have to offer
The clingy girlfriend will often display the first attribute by texting often, calling often (sometimes more than a few times daily), emailing excessively, sending a scrupulous amount of facebook messages whenever you are online, staying over for much longer than she is wanted (sometimes she has a hard time fucking off), finding excuses to hang out with you and your friends, assumes that just because you're not doing anything you could be doing something with her.
2. giving and offering too much (money, gifts, sex, things you like)
The clingy girlfriend wants very much to win you over and will often resort to giving and buying things that she feels or thinks you will like. She may even go out of her way to buy something extremely expensive too early on in the relationship. like an 80$ watch... She may even offer her own body to you, often, and when she isn't actually interested. Yes, the female believes she is making small sacrifices in order to win your affections.
3. Losing interest in other things in life (her hobbies, her school, her friends, her life)
The Clingy Girlfriend may at times lose interest in herself and become obssessive with you. She may cancel appointments and stop going to certain events or even stop talking to friends. She may be inclined to suggest that you hang out with her and her friends just to prove that she has friends. She may, instead of doing her homework or working on some hobby (like painting for example) only want to hang out with you, therefore losing all her interesting attributes by just being plain clingy.
4. Procclaims love soon and demands the title girlfriend
Often, the clingy girlfriend is unsure about herself and insecure and will on occaision blurt out the l word much too soon in a relationship. She will also expect, since she is so obsessed with you, that you too be just as in lesbians with her. She may even wander around town talking about how awesome you are and how she is your GIRLFRIEND.
5. May become manipulative and insane upon your pushing her away (probably for the above reasons)
The Clingy Girlfriend may become so obsessed that as you lose interest, she will try to do ridiculous things to keep you interested. She may start showing up where you are when you're with your friends, just so you remember her existence. She may even hold out late night stake outs in front of your house to keep tabs on you. She may accuse you of cheating even though you were at home masturbating... She may even create dramas in your life to make you come back to her (for example, she might kill your real girlfriend or wife...)
All in all, that's a pretty scary thing. :/ I feel bad for atleast three of those things and shall proceed to kicking myself in the ass. *punt*
1. needing/wanting way more of your time than you have to offer
The clingy girlfriend will often display the first attribute by texting often, calling often (sometimes more than a few times daily), emailing excessively, sending a scrupulous amount of facebook messages whenever you are online, staying over for much longer than she is wanted (sometimes she has a hard time fucking off), finding excuses to hang out with you and your friends, assumes that just because you're not doing anything you could be doing something with her.
2. giving and offering too much (money, gifts, sex, things you like)
The clingy girlfriend wants very much to win you over and will often resort to giving and buying things that she feels or thinks you will like. She may even go out of her way to buy something extremely expensive too early on in the relationship. like an 80$ watch... She may even offer her own body to you, often, and when she isn't actually interested. Yes, the female believes she is making small sacrifices in order to win your affections.
3. Losing interest in other things in life (her hobbies, her school, her friends, her life)
The Clingy Girlfriend may at times lose interest in herself and become obssessive with you. She may cancel appointments and stop going to certain events or even stop talking to friends. She may be inclined to suggest that you hang out with her and her friends just to prove that she has friends. She may, instead of doing her homework or working on some hobby (like painting for example) only want to hang out with you, therefore losing all her interesting attributes by just being plain clingy.
4. Procclaims love soon and demands the title girlfriend
Often, the clingy girlfriend is unsure about herself and insecure and will on occaision blurt out the l word much too soon in a relationship. She will also expect, since she is so obsessed with you, that you too be just as in lesbians with her. She may even wander around town talking about how awesome you are and how she is your GIRLFRIEND.
5. May become manipulative and insane upon your pushing her away (probably for the above reasons)
The Clingy Girlfriend may become so obsessed that as you lose interest, she will try to do ridiculous things to keep you interested. She may start showing up where you are when you're with your friends, just so you remember her existence. She may even hold out late night stake outs in front of your house to keep tabs on you. She may accuse you of cheating even though you were at home masturbating... She may even create dramas in your life to make you come back to her (for example, she might kill your real girlfriend or wife...)
All in all, that's a pretty scary thing. :/ I feel bad for atleast three of those things and shall proceed to kicking myself in the ass. *punt*
Friday, 30 March 2012
The Guest Station
The Guest station where I live is warm-
its nurture cyclical; nature unethical
One may come and go but never stay
Caressing the lips with jagged teeth
It claims the heart, whatever may
Its Bliss is the Y of open arms
The smoky fingers of 7's following
In the shadow of the giving breath
That steals the tracks unfurling
Before the train of Certain Death
Is there a future here I'd like to know
But by the whims that close the doors
His half-glance back tells me "No"
And should that howling train arrive
His hands will be the first to push
And on the rail I'm told I'll stay alive
its nurture cyclical; nature unethical
One may come and go but never stay
Caressing the lips with jagged teeth
It claims the heart, whatever may
Its Bliss is the Y of open arms
The smoky fingers of 7's following
In the shadow of the giving breath
That steals the tracks unfurling
Before the train of Certain Death
Is there a future here I'd like to know
But by the whims that close the doors
His half-glance back tells me "No"
And should that howling train arrive
His hands will be the first to push
And on the rail I'm told I'll stay alive
Monday, 26 March 2012
A Collage of Boyfriends Past
The following is a collaberation of the emails and letters I have recieved from seven different men starting from when I was 17 to now. :P It sound epic, and paints a pretty gruesome picture of me. lol
Dear Opal,
I just can’t do this, my dear Opal, I realize that all of our time together was more or less immoral. You were just a kid. I've attempted to contact you once or twice, here and there, but I failed. I looked up your old number, but it was disconnected. Since then I've pretty much lost you in my memories, never thinking of you again. How you’ve beaten me down each day with that smile. You could never understand the pain, the dread that came with remembering your face. Now that I'm subject to them, I think I may have just been reminiscent of amusing moments without reflecting what talking to you would portend. Thinking about talking to you suffocates me- how can I fly with you if you have no wings? You’re a cement-feathered bird and to quote your song, you loved me dead. You filled my soul with vomit and then asked me for gum. No. I don't want to keep in contact with you. It’s because you’re bad for me, you’re bad for my mental stability and I just don’t think I can be around someone who hurts herself. Unfortunately, my dear Stone of the Lake, I can't see myself as just friends with you. My heart wants to paw at you but I know better. I’ve wanted for so long to be in your sight, to be the one and only one you ever think of, but you shot down at me like a savage beast from the sky and pinned me into a dark abyss. What part of your deep, black soul finds this funny, Oh beautiful Regina? Alas, I cannot be bitter toward the cruelty you have shown me, for you also showed me what love really is- A monster. So, I hope you're doing well, and those around you are as well, despite our meeting being rather a tragedy. Farewell, my dearest Rex.
Dear Opal,
I just can’t do this, my dear Opal, I realize that all of our time together was more or less immoral. You were just a kid. I've attempted to contact you once or twice, here and there, but I failed. I looked up your old number, but it was disconnected. Since then I've pretty much lost you in my memories, never thinking of you again. How you’ve beaten me down each day with that smile. You could never understand the pain, the dread that came with remembering your face. Now that I'm subject to them, I think I may have just been reminiscent of amusing moments without reflecting what talking to you would portend. Thinking about talking to you suffocates me- how can I fly with you if you have no wings? You’re a cement-feathered bird and to quote your song, you loved me dead. You filled my soul with vomit and then asked me for gum. No. I don't want to keep in contact with you. It’s because you’re bad for me, you’re bad for my mental stability and I just don’t think I can be around someone who hurts herself. Unfortunately, my dear Stone of the Lake, I can't see myself as just friends with you. My heart wants to paw at you but I know better. I’ve wanted for so long to be in your sight, to be the one and only one you ever think of, but you shot down at me like a savage beast from the sky and pinned me into a dark abyss. What part of your deep, black soul finds this funny, Oh beautiful Regina? Alas, I cannot be bitter toward the cruelty you have shown me, for you also showed me what love really is- A monster. So, I hope you're doing well, and those around you are as well, despite our meeting being rather a tragedy. Farewell, my dearest Rex.
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