On My Bipolar Disorder

I am Bipolar. Or at least I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder as well as an illness called Emotional Intensity Disorder (More commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder which is a silly, nondescriptive name that was pulled out of some psychiatric majors ass). EID is "curable" unlike BPD which is a genetic issue that I (note the "I" in the sentence) believe is triggered by something in life. As in, one may have the genetic make up for bipolar disorder without ever actually having it, much like Schizophrenia.

Here is the full definition from Wikipedia:
"Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder, historically known as manic–depressive disorder, is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with or without one or more depressive episodes. The elevated moods are clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experiences depressive episodes, or symptoms, or a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.[1] These events are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Severe manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymia, and other types, based on the nature and severity of mood episodes experienced; the range is often described as the bipolar spectrum."


Do you feel knowledgable? Awesome. I'm glad you feel the way you do. I am very glad you have the opportunity to sit there, know how you feel and trust that what you feel isn't delusional.


I have developed something of complex over my diagnoses which has lead me to many questions, many depressions and much more confusion and frustration. Now, I realize that I was already complex to begin with and much of my actions and/or unhealthy beliefs (such as, "If so and so left me, everyone will leave me so I am better off alone.") have been due to my "Illness" and that every word I say and everything I feel could simply be shut down with the comment "Oh she's Bipolar-". I also understand that, as according to societal beliefs and scientific discovery, much of my erratic behaviours and emotions are due to a chemical imbalance and could very well be disregarded as I could very well be experiencing what one would call "Delusion" or "Mania".

The thing is, is that I don't actually believe I am ill. There are times when I have felt so beat down by my moods and the psychaiatric jargon, and the severe levels of stress in my life that I have given in to the beleif that I am just ill and that all of this crap and all of my understandings are just the illness and truly not myself. But when the goings are rough, do you not question yourself and look to outside explanations for reasons you are the way you are? If you have been feeling down for a long time, and find yourself searching for something nearly invisible for so long that you decide "Hey, must be my Thyroid!" and run off to your nearest doctor for answers which are calculated more so by OBSERVATION than experience?

I am not denying science. I am not saying that what the psychaiatric world has deemed knowelege isn't somewhat factual (observations have been made, we can only say that probably yes, this is the problem because it was the problem elsewhere). But I am questioning our need as a society, to slap on a disorder to every person who thinks and feels at a different rate than the average person. And are they even average? Lets look at this graph from British Columbia for example...

Does the percentage of people without disorders or mental disabilities actually look like "the average" ? So why am I being treated as the person who is different?

What I really believe, is that I am normal and that I am gifted. I can see and feel things that others refuse to see or have not the ability to see. I mean this in the same sense that the next door neigbour is gifted in the way that he is double jointed or that Jeff has a gift for automatically understanding math. When I am in a spell of Hypomania- I have no inhibitions or fears, I am not afraid to step outside and play in the snow, I dance, I sing, I play pretend like a child would. I see the beautiful in everything. When I am in a bout of depression I feel all the angst and pain that tremors through the world, I see famine and I see the need for so much change and it almost feels hopeless, I see the dark and I peer right into it and tell it "I'm not afraid of you, I know you, I know your death, I know your trickery, I know the poison that you seep." I see and and want to see the things most people fear. When I am in between and in a stage you call "Normal", I am able to function in the walls that society has created, I am able to call upon my strength and meet any obstacle and make a that judgement based on logic. I can understand how things work scientifically... But more importantly, I can draw upon both of my polarities and see and discover how they intertwine and how whole I am with the understanding of both the light and the dark. I understand that one cannot exist without the other probably better than most (this is not to say that my understanding is one that cannot be matched). Because I have been to both, and I am a frequent visitor- I leave that dark place and I go back to it and I am able to discover new things. I may not understand the storm while I'm in it, but when I am gone and out of it, I feel I have opened up a whole new world to understand.

What makes what you call an illness so much more interesting... is that I feel it has given me an amazing ability to understand and feel what other people are going through in their lives. Whether it be absolutely fantastic or utterly horrid, I do not fear or resent it. I can walk with them and I can understand it- maybe not at that moment, but upon reflection i can match it with something I've felt and know what it is they need or want.

Yes. I understand that there are dangerous levels to which my "illness" can take me- I have been in the throws of suicide, and I have also been so unafraid of the world I've gotten into trouble. As with anything in life, this Gift has also it's consequences and demands a certain amount of control. It demands that I remember there is a proper and healthy way to channel its "powers". So I must keep a sleep schedule, and I must eat properly and I must take extra care to the things that may send me off the grayscale into the black or white which is not easy. But is that not the same with anything? The artist who spends too much time in fantasy may forget reality, and the mathematician who spends too much time calculating may forget that all things cannot be calculated.

What bothers me most of all, is that I am asked to remove those polarities from myself so that I can be a proper, healthy human being. And I have done so for long periods of time, but I cannot express the feeling of utter and complete autonomy and emptiness that comes with removing those parts of me. Without this disorder that has been so heavily placed on me, I lose my ability to write and paint, I lose my ability to understand other people (and yes, I have been told that I become cold in nature during periods of "normalcy"). And while I may function in the world as a citizen, able to keep a job and able to care for things in a logical manner and while I can feel to certain extent as a "normal" person would, I feel I lose something more important to who I am than anything else. I feel like I lose a part that has been engraved into my soul.

So, I ask you, is it really so healthy for me to treat this existence as a disorder and illness and treat it medically as though it's a lifelong infection with medications? I would not give you pills for your sadness, nor would I ever tell you that you were too happy. I would never tell you to stop seeing. Why would you to me?