Control...

Okay, so blogger changed a bit? :(



Hm, alright so I'll probably delete this later...





I'm just going to go on a banter about some control issues I'm having and figure out why it's bothering me or what I need to do to well... control my own situation within myself, if that makes sense.



I get frustrated in bed whenever I don't feel like I don't have enough control. I mean in the long run when it comes to bedroom fun, I do have control. I mean I can say when (usually any time, because it's not often that I'm not in the mood or can't be convinced, or after hours of being groped and/ore pawed at not eventually get in the mood) and I will often ask for things, like oh do me from behind or maybe some directions on how I like to be played with. Also as far as I know, when it comes to things like bdsm, the one who is submissive can be considered to have the control because at any point they can yell out the special word and make anything stop or can egg the other person on by being a brat... And I do realize that I will start things, and do get time on top (though it's often interrupted with a switch of position or a cock flying out in the wrong direction... which sucks. :/ I being, that just feels suck for everyone)



But, as a switch, I like to be the one on the other side sometimes. You know, the one who gets to make orders, or do all the touching while their partner lays there helplessly being pleased. I like having the whip, figuratively and not. Nothing turns me on more than when I get to dictate just what happens next, within the rules and within respect of the other person of course. But what has always made any threesome for me so awesome, is that in most cases no one really knows what to do, so I get to pull on my man pants and start the show- sometimes even giving directions to the others. Of course, because I'm a sadomasochist I do like to cause a little pain (I like that flash of that bit of fright you just naturally get, even from the smallest pain, or surprise I guess, I mean I don't want them to be scared of me or anything, if anything i want them to trust me enough to know that I wouldn't truly hurt them and that if they asked me to stop I would stop). I love it when they're exhausted by the end of the night, and feel good because I've loved them so furiously, not because I've made them do things to me all night (not that i wouldn't... sometimes I like to be worshiped but that's kinda why I like submission, they want me enough to control me).



I guess that's a reason I like being with other women, usually I end up being the somewhat more aggressive one. I like the feeling i get watching them squirm underneath me when I'm on the drivers side. But that's not always an option...



I guess when It comes down to it, I feel like I get to express my passion (that fiery shit I'm full of) better when I'm in control, because so often I have to tone it down for the rest of the aspects of my life. I get to experiment with things I might otherwise be a bit anxious about trying- again that person still has the option to say no if it makes them super uncomfortable. But I also like the idea of possession, because I know in reality I do not possess anyone and they do not possess me- especially when I'm in an open/polyamarous relationship which leaves much room for other people to take over and less room to feel like "the only girl in the world"- which is a common want in a relationship, while unrealistic, it's still a nice feeling. It's also a chance for me to show them just how much I want them - sex for me isn't just physical, it's interaction between the intellectual and the spiritual (I won't enjoy myself if I'm not attracted to your personality or spirit). On the other hand it's a chance, like Alie says, for me to be my most higher self- which is not submissive, and not always gentle, nor is she quiet. My higher self is loud, fiery, passionate, confident... and my darker self is a huge part of me, and she is possessive, controlling, destructive and dominating.

I guess I feel like I don't have a whole lot of other outlets to express these parts of myself. I've spent a long time trying to balance myself within these things (the whole eid thing and bpd), and recognize that I can't do without them. But aside from art, I don't really have a place to express those darker and more intimidating parts of myself. It use to come out negatively, but I can't rip my hair out and make myself bleed whenever I want to feel red. (Maybe that's why I'm a fan of people who either like my scars or don't mind them- they're looking at my intense, darker self...)



So I guess that's it, that's what bothers me. I need an outlet for those parts of myself and that bedroom place is the only place other than through paintings that I feel I can express it. I mean, working out is one thing, but actually trusting someone enough to want them to see what I am or feel I am on the most internal basis is... well, kind of an important thing.





Trust is huge thing too- I want and like to feel trusted the same way I trust them. maybe I sometimes go too far, but it's never my intention and I will do what needs to be done in order to correct the situation. But if I feel trusted by other people I also feel more like I can trust myself- and that is a huge issue with me. I do have major trust issues... and I am working on that, but I do need to feel trusted by other people, like anyone else.



So.. simplified, some things that tie into the issue and things I should think about working on in other areas of my life:



1. A positive outlet for my more intense/darker/higher self that allows for expression.

2. coping with things that are outside of my control- school, debt, work, drama, smoking (ergh)

3. Coping with the wobbly insecure feeling of polyamary (recognizing my fear of losing people)

4. feelings of being wanted/needed

5. Having those moments of worship- being appreciated and appreciating.

6. Feelings of mistrust- being mistrusted and mistrusting others



Okay, I feel a bit better now That I've worked that out. :) I'll mull over it and look for options that might help with these so that I'm not maybe making others uncomfortable... hm. In the past I know I've had problems with this very thing, just didn't understand it very well. So hopefully this will help....